Not Coming Out

Saturday, 11 July 2015

Infatuated by falling in love, I am often the carrier and crisis of my own romantic adventures and tragedies.
From my first heartbroken nosebleed, to the wine washed poetry that proceeds it proudly, the excitement and relativity I feel when getting to know and later idolising a human being is one of which I have the most spiritual space and time for. 
Locking eyes from across a bar or four am instant messages, there is a frightening honesty entwined within the face value and personal discovery of fancying another person that can be easily misconstrued for lust or hormonal confusion. I enjoy it, I relish it, I continue to seek it out in whichever thorny path I must trudge to see it- regardless of gender.

In the past I have been poked at for making connections very easily (something I don't think should be ridiculed) that I treat whoever is interested as my new found soulmate.
Boys whose lips I've kissed and girls whose hands I've held, always have my underlying intentions queried. 'Does this action mean that? Are you sure you should be doing it?'
Why not? Is my simple justification.

We are who we are because of the people we meet and those who we choose to learn from, so why should we limit ourselves from such a beautiful and innate education with a parameter that doesn't have to exist in the crass and conflicting barrier that gender is often negatively presented? You might love a man you might love a woman you might not know whom you love more - who am I to demand your reasoning? Why must we think a resolute understanding is the treasure under the X? The treasure is the discovery writhing around sure or not sure on top of the sand.

As a citizen of a sympathetic and awakened generation - it excites me that I can write this unscathed and fearless of judgement. How lucky I am to argue to my peers against my predecessors that gender holds no limit or anxiety against my fundamental right and need to show love. 

A label and a statement I feel is unnecessary, why when an assumption over my 'stance' will have been cast a thousand times by those who know and care for me and those who have just shaken my hand that has never effected nor bothered me be something I have to justify? To suggest is wrong? To confirm is correct? 

My love is for those who I wish to learn from, those who I can help and those who want to grow together with me. 
Man or woman, compatible energy is not born from their gender but from a shared desire to be. 

Should we now in an ever flourishing and understanding world still have to feel the pressures of coming out? The anxiety of being unsure? 
It seems ludicrous to me, violent to me, backwards to me. 
So this is me not coming out, this is me declaring my personal future as my own private adventure and search for a fulfilment much deeper than massaging societies norms for the sake of conformity. 
I love love, not one sole gender. 

St. Pancras Renaissance Hotel - Kings Cross.

Monday, 29 June 2015

It is a Monday afternoon like no other.
June has finally arrived, sun speckled spots float through the glass onto my face and I cry. 
I stand, shaking with awestruck disbelief at the bedroom before me, turning on my heels to peer at the bathroom once more and try as I might I can't collect enough reasoning for what good things I must have done in a past life to be here in this moment. 
'I saved twelve babies from a burning building,' I settle.
Surely, that must be it.
If only for a moment I manage to harness an iota of composure, after flattening down my nightdress onto my bed for the evening and taking a quick shower, I run down the medieval halls to begin my first sampling of the Renaissance Global Day of Discovery. 
The Booking Office is filled with a sophisticated bustle, crisp white shirts and patterned ties parted straight down the middle by a hoard of London and Parisian bloggers.
As plates fly off waitresses hands, confit pork and artisan burgers take centre stage for all of several brief minutes until they are devoured lens first by excited mouths who wash them down with an expensive trickle of champagne cocktails. 
I was always so certain of what it was that I'd order unrestricted as my last meal but I now know several readjustments will have to be made - I want Booking Office chicken salad and I want twelve servings.
We eat, we drink, we jump into a cab and head straight to Carousel in north London to catch a secret SoFar Sounds gig in the basement. 
Thrown into a whirlwind of adventure in my own city, there is a smile on my face that had been lacking for so long - no unsolicited social anxiety, no '...or I could just jump back into bed',  simply a fever and excitement that lacked such obvious parameter I could only see this feeling for days. 
I giggle with my friend Olivia, Snapchatting arrows and hearts around a beautiful bassist, fifth summer-cup cocktail in hand. 
Arriving back to my new home for the night, we kiss-hug goodbye's until the early morning and I call Adrian to come and check out the strange fairytale I've fallen into. 
"You really are a Baroness now..." He splutters at 2:30am, as I slide around the bath bigger than my own bed at home. 
The St.Pancras Renaissance Hotel is that of my wildest fantasy. 
I want to get married here. I want to have parties here. 
I want to move in and write novels here. 
Instead, all I have time for on this trip is to read a good book in the early morning glow and pack my bags for a 7:30am Eurostar that is conveniently, just underneath us.
The adventure continues on tomorrow's blog post... 

Talking Therapy

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

"Why can't you write about something positive?" My friends and family have jovially thrown from one occasion to another upon reading another "Oh god, my life is filled with so much grief." article that I've stashed and later posted.

I think about it often, querying what it is that seems to make my literary intentions jut out so morbidly from my other internet professed pals- those who deliver exciting travels and clean eats, the ones that epitomise earth shattering hope and frivolity from a single instagram caption.
In all of its glorious irony, I would love nothing more than to explore why it in yet another heartache dribbled essay for all of your eyes to see but tonight I have decided against my own creative will and thrown a curveball at my judgement to write these few lines instead.

I, like you, am a perpetually lost individual giggling and whimpering my way through a crisscross path of adolescence and unsurprisingly it is pretty fucking difficult, so do it unapologetically.
It is beautiful in its romanticised nature but as a topic to examine, it would make an ultimately dull, smug and useless piece of documentary to share if it simply highlighted the manic insomnia of getting off with Z list sons of actors and receiving the odd hefty paycheque from a Z list singers record label.
"Today I got a new job and I'm on top of the world!"
"I slept with a ten last night!"
- Are the lines for my diary. The bits I have to read occasionally to remember it's not all empty medication packets and missed trains and unpaid invoices.
I didn't know how important those parts were to share.
I never realised how much impact and responsibility I'd have to take on by posting my inner most dark corners of my brain online, as naive and as idiotic as that sounds, I just wanted to help.
I thought by stripping my psyche naked I might help some other girl from across the pond on the brink of a break down call a doctor or put down the scissors and know she wasn't alone.

The truth is, it has also opened up a different pocket of the internet that whilst I had always dreamed of finding, was suddenly being forwarded to me.
Every week for the last eighteen months I have received harrowing tales from young people.
Stories that correlate almost impossibly with my own and ones much worse. 
It has in many ways opened my eyes up to the prospect that I'm not the most hurt, unhappy individual to walk the planet post Morrissey from The Smiths which has been hugely helpful in an incredibly selfish light, but it's also forced me to realise how serious and important it is that we keep this topic open and up for forum.

I honestly am not the right person to plea to, whilst I am slowly trudging along a path to what hopefully has sanity signposted nearby in a few years to come I am irrefutably not there. 
I'm still in the middle of the road with my thumb out praying for a lift.

There are however people who are.
Doctors, despite their schoolmaster authoritative demeanour can variably be tiny fluffy sparkly rainbow filled angels that have landed in your gaudy 1960's GP office to shed some light on why things will get better. 
Friends, despite their own issues and hang ups are even more important - whether you've met them online or happened to fail the same maths test together. 
Reading up and understanding your feelings and condition, despite a little daunting, will also help you understand why you are doing what you are and why you're crying in the shower even though there feels like no resolute reasoning. 
You are not defined by these moments of desperation, you are defined by how you come through them, and you can. - This is coming from someone who three days ago sat on her kitchen floor and thought 'don't fancy this anymore' at life, I'm still not all the keen but my god do I realise how glad I am that I want to give it another try.

I write this now feeling hugely overwhelmed, like I found some broken twigs in my brain and set them into an all encompassing fire on a desert island which people mistook for me sending out a 'LET'S ALL HAVE A PARTY OVER HERE!' flare.
I don't have many answers, but have learnt more so than I knew possible in the last few days that talking to people you know is the most important first step into any kind of physical recovery. 

Now get off here, go and call your mum.
Or your best friend.
Or your doctor.
Or your old boss who seemed a bit mad when you worked for him.
They really, truly can help you make sure you get back to being you again. 

Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90

Crisis line - 775-784-8090

People I Love - Ben Brown

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

It's pissing down with rain by Old Street Station on a Thursday morning, I'm cold and edging dangerously close to furious.
"More late boys!" I rattle fists at no one but myself with a sad damp scarf draped over my head.
The miserable distance fades from unpromising to enthusiastic futures.
Louis, Ben and Steve pace with sure direction towards me, mob handed with point and shoot cameras and coffee cups.
This is the first time I meet Ben Brown.
I suffocate under his charm as we all trudge towards the Indian Embassy in the dregs of nowhere and I find a quickening smile echo throughout my cheeks slicing the stress of a five hour wait for visas.
A small encounter with potential to be nothing more than a work fuelled greet extended its arms into the embrace of the beginning of a very poignant and fulfilled friendship. 

Ben has seen me through a totally bizarre part of my adolescence. He met me when I was cocksure and loud and watched it melt and mould it's way into being a little bit lost and apologetically young. In the middle of last year we found ourselves in the endless and formless ocean sharing a kayak, a tactful ploy by me as alone I'd have been eaten alive even by the dullest wave and we paddled sun beaten and content. 

I continued once out of the boat to nip at his heels whenever distance allowed and ensured dinners and adventures and chats like the sea saddled speeches we'd had would always prevail. Since, he's picked me off bikes in the midst of panic attacks and listened to my monotonous drone of first world issues as though I really matter and I leave wanting to hit myself knowing I ever looked at him begrudgingly for leaving me in the rain that one East London morning.

Bens talent baffles me, I write with no intention of sounding as though I'm about to embark on a parody of one of his old school reports, but it truly does.
It follows him around like an excited nagging child, this thing that begs to be fed and answered to, to be challenged and paraded. Somehow, he manages to harness it in so many tangible ways that he transforms it modestly into gold medals and daily videos and stunning visuals beyond what I know.
Try as I might, I've still not been able to kidnap it.

It's not very often people happen to you, but Ben very much happened to me. 
He happened to be a voice I didn't know I needed and a hand I wanted to grip, he happened all at once and suddenly even from miles away to be someone I happen to have as a big brother forever. Relatively, whether he likes it or not.

Writing this almost feels like a premature wedding speech or a big birthday amorous announcement, but having had him home back in London where I can squish his face and steal his coat and ask him umpteen questions about nothing in particular over several sherbet dibdabs, I just feel like it's right to do it. 
He's filled my life with laughter, unwavering advice and introduced me to people like his beautiful girlfriend Nicole who I also admire and adore from across the pond.
There are few people I know who I could spend eight hours walking around a flower show and find some sort of ludicrous Pimm's fuelled adventure with.

I bloody love the stupid sod and I think if there's anything he's taught me so prolifically is that there is no time like this very second to do things. 
So I'm doing a thing, a public appreciation, a friendly awakening and a heartfelt shout to all those who have a Ben in their lives to say "hey man, you're pretty special." 
because if they put up with you as much as he does with me, inspire you furiously and make you feel worth something a little more than you are, they bloody well deserve it. 

Mindful Chef

Discussing my eating habits online is something that I err on the caution of in the same way I always feel a little strange about talking on the topic of beauty products. 
Whilst emotional and physical flavours roll off of my tongue with perhaps too much ease, they are although empirical to me something I feel are useful to relate to.
 I am overtly aware that the other two are very much tailored to both my own individual lifestyle and financial budget.

Eating healthily and cooking are things that I've always had a great interest in, but I'm not always as proactive with them as I like.
In short, cooking healthy, organic food is often incredibly expensive and time consuming to construct interesting.
One parade around Whole Foods and I'd struggle to find 3 conscious meals that don't cost more than the insurance of the bottom square of Taylor Swift's calf. 
I found Mindful Chef within their first week of business, two perfectly regular looking twenty somethings promising that they could deliver a box of enough fresh, organic ingredients and recipes to my front door for three meals in under £25.
I near close had a fit. I wanted in. 
I was tainted with a little scepticism, but I dropped them an email asking if I could see what the fuss was about and thank guacamole I was so far from disappointed I've been incredibly excited to share this discovery with you. 

It's not a new concept, but this foodie venture feels a lot more honest and the price is genuinely unbeatable.
Adrian is relatively adverse to the kitchen (sorry love!) so I armed myself with the box and headed to his to give it the proper idiot proof test.
Even he managed to follow one of the cards with not so much as a steam burn on his wrists.
Everything is already measured out for you, there is no waste or lonely avocado halves to leave in your fridge for past eternity and all of the packaging is sustainable. 
They also offer three sorts - Paleo, Vegan or Gluten Free. 
Having experienced an ill spell a few months back from introducing a vegan lifestyle into my own, I opted for GF. 

Mindful Chef for me is a huge game changer, I had no idea that it was possible to fill my body with all of the good stuff Gwyneth Paltrow style and not have a Gwyneth Paltrow style budget. 
It also felt so good to have control in the kitchen, know exactly what it was that I was fuelling myself with and feel excited about cooking up something more adventurous than a stir fry. 
Solid job guys, look at that smile. Bloody delicious.
You'll definitely be seeing my name on your orders list once a week.

Love Labels & Kentucky Fried Chicken

Sunday, 17 May 2015

The actor has been back in town and what a treat.
Spangled nights of outgrown hair and KFC family meal deals in the back of four AM Ubers, climbing statues in rowdy east London bars and thrown on Hunter boots for riverside retreats had returned for the last six weeks and the sudden nonchalance of not caring for labels has left me giddy with adolescence.
We are a strange breed, so desperate always to fulfil a charm with a name and often that is what strips it of its potential poetic nature of being young and dumb.

"You just do what you want, don't you?" He smiles half dazed, coyly on the arm of my sofa.
I twiddle my hair around fore and index finger and knock back my head giggling as though a super8 camera has been propped in the corner and this moment will one day be footage in a self indulgent montage of me feeling sexy.
I stop for a moment, clicking off the aesthetic pull of the character I am playing and relish in the idea that I am sat with greasy fingers and an awkward spot in the middle of my left eyebrow and feeling a sort of 'fuck-off' sexy I always assumed was only attainable for the Agent Provocateur wearing tanned late 20-somethings.
Here I am, with dry knees from acrylic Falke friction and a bitter fur of red wine on my front teeth, absolutely owning how I feel with no need nor want for the validation of a commitment.
Contented without conscience.
He uncurls his sleeping socks from under the sofa and wobbles around half-drunk in an attempt to put them back on (thank god, feet are gross) and I think back to how my six month ago self would've been so perturbed by this situation.
Is he in love with me? Is this a mistake? Am I going to get hurt? What the hell am I doing not coating this eyeball sized spot in my eyebrow with concealer?
These usual grievances squashed underfoot as he slams his down on the floor as he loses balance.

I see a friend for dinner the next week and listen to him gush about how in love he is, recalling sweet moments that he is so used to being met with my eyes souring into tiny creases and uncomfortable "That's nice, I'm really happy for you."'s (which is universal code for "Why can't I have that? You're so grown up and in love and I'm jealous and hate you.").
He asks about my current situation and as I swill the handle of my fork around as though I'm about to whack a hammer in court and say something vaguely poignant, I hear the echo of the actor in the forefront of my brain and grin -
"I'm just doing what I want and I didn't know I wanted it."
Whilst a part of my anal life scheduling wants to tally it down to another boy that didn't want to fall in love with me, I take solace in striking it forward as a new boy who made me love myself, and that, is a label I didn't know I could write.

I live for surprises. Throwing surprises, receiving surprises, I just want to be a bundle of unanticipated energy floating around forever.
My darling mum sits on the other end of the unpredictable spectrum and likes to know exactly what's what and where it sits and what it's called.
She's a boss at excel spreadsheets and tucked in bed sheets and for that reason we often lock horns.
I get it, ain't nobody got time for someone else's dirty socks (she sees a lot of mine, mostly peaking from under the sofa.) 
In the fluster of its irony, I felt like there was no one I knew who needed a surprise more so than her and whilst she'd have been just as chuffed with a bunch of petrol station daff's and a bar of Aero for Mothers Day, I wanted to do a little bit more.
Being the impulsive sod (loving daughter) that I am, I bloody well did.
Packing two small cases with day dresses and silk-lined blazers, I got her to meet me at Kings Cross station and placed her passport in her palms and as her eyes brimmed with elated tears she instantly screamed "Paris!!" which then quickly followed with "LET'S GET CHAMPAGNE!" 
(and I wonder where I get it from...)

We twirled and skipped through everything that was on offer, eating each moment with hungry eyes and giggling souls.
I was filled with the utmost childlike glee checking both of us in and out of a fancy hotel and signing for breakfast in the morning when for the last twenty years that's always been her job for me.
Suddenly I was a real life grown up with my own real life grown up best friend and it was wonderful.

The charm that has written years of Parisian poetry is intoxicating, with its architecture that articulates a time I feel London's busy song has almost forgotten we brushed off the chill and dived deep into the romanticism of a city that would no longer live between the pages of a book for us.
All we wished for was to get lost amidst it all and we did a pretty splendid job.
I at no point had a clue where I was.

I booked us into the W Opera, because whilst I wanted her to crave the same serendipitous spontaneity that I was running towards, I wanted to know at least two things were guaranteed - a bloody good cocktail and a beautiful bed to rest flurried feet in.
Bang on  breakfast and a feast of trinkets, we returned after a day of exploration to sit amongst the clean and the colour and give Pierre on the door a wink.
(He was genuinely called Pierre and how I wish he'd taken up my offer to come back to London with us../me.)
Drawing open the shutters we looked right onto L'Opera, if we really had wanted, we could have stayed put in our little Parisian paradise and still felt equally as acquainted and in love with the city.
My trust and love for W was settled alongside with the room service cheque the next morning and I felt like an overbearing girlfriend latching onto the big old door begging not to leave.
Leicester Square, your french sibling is now my new best friend.

Whilst I know she is always proud me, I really felt I could immerse her into one of the exciting parts of my job and treat her to something she wholly deserved.
The strongest woman I know with the most infuriating beauty grinned more so than I'd seen her in months and now every jovial "Bonjour! Comment allez vous?" exchanged on the phone is embroidered with beautiful memories.
I know the stories you often have to re read on my blog aren't usually favourable moments for you to look back on, so this one is for you to enjoy. Love you then, love you still, always have and always will. More. X


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